I spent a day with a friend who is having a very hard time right now.
During that day, I said and did a couple of things that were insensitive.
So this morning, I woke up thinking about it.
In came the berating voice.
“Why did you say that? Why did you DO that? What’s the matter with you? Why am I like this?”
Etc etc etc.
As I brushed my teeth and got ready, I did some good hypothesizing about how my upbringing contributed to my defective character.
I thought about my various traumas and eccentricities, and their role in my behavior.
I thought about other circumstances where I’ve behaved insensitively.
Times I made people cry.
It was a real party inside my head, lemme tell ya!
Real good times.
Then, in comes the cavalry.
ANOTHER PART of myself, another voice, has this to say:
“Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Wait just a goddamn minute!
“We know this dance. It’s the pits! What other stories can we tell about how you showed up for your friend? What else happened?
I had to think about it for a minute. Then this came flooding in:
- I cleared my schedule to spend time with them.
- I asked my husband to handle all the pet care, cooking, household chores for that day.
- I spent two hours traveling into and out of NYC even though I hate NYC.
- I listened intently, with my whole self, as my friend talked about their troubles.
- I encouraged them to take good care of themselves, and did some brainstorming around that.
- I noticed and complimented the many ways they are being resourceful in a challenging situation.
- When I realized I had said and done an insensitive thing, I apologized for it as soon as possible.
- I deeply participated in their grief without making it about me.
- I told them how much I admire them and how proud I am of them.
- I gave many lingering hugs.
- I treated for lunch.
- I brought a present.
- I laughed with them and loved them with my whole self.
- I told them I love them many times.
There’s a part of me, an inner nay-sayer, who elides what I do RIGHT.
A part who forgets that my friend loves me just as much as I love them.
A part who thinks that one mistake is all it takes to ruin a 28 year friendship.
If you follow my writing here, or if I’m your coach, you know how this ends–
I send my nay-saying part love.
But I don’t let her drive.
Got an inner hater who just won’t quit?
She probably could benefit from some coaching.
Give me a call and let me talk to her.
So that you can get on with being magical.