People-pleasing is so controlling,
I realized recently.
I say this as a veteran people-pleaser.
Many people-pleasers developed their people-pleasing habits in childhood, when they needed to appease an abusive or authoritarian parent.
Their child minds recognized what needed to be done to preserve their safety, their sense of belonging, and did it.
Bless those early selves for developing strategies for survival!
Problem is, we carry those patterns into adulthood.
We fall into a pattern of continually putting aside our preferences. Of deferring. Adapting. Fawning.
And often enough, we get what we want from it—a respite from disapproval. A wonderful feeling of being liked. Self-satisfaction at being “the easy one”.
This is the controlling part:
People-pleasing involves hiding your true self TO GET OTHERS TO TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU WANT.
It is far more powerful, in adult life, to REVEAL your true self—including your preferences about how you’d like to be treated!
Is this risky?
Yes.
People might not like you.
They might resent you.
They might say no.
They might yell at you.
Disrespect you.
When you stop people-pleasing, you relinquish the illusion that you can control others by accommodating them.
One thing I want to leave you with, on this topic of people-pleasing. A few years ago, when I started to suspect that I had a people-pleasing issue, I googled “people-pleaser traits.”
Up popped a nice little list. I’ve never been able to find this list since, but it had all the usual stuff – inability to set boundaries, fear of conflict, frequent apologizing, overwork, overwhelm, inability to say no, high need for validation, etc etc.
At the bottom of the list was a trait that hit me like a ton of bricks:
Chronic health problems.
Trying to control others—it takes a toll.
Not expressing yourself—it takes a toll.
Not even KNOWING your preferences—it takes a toll!
Here’s to knowing what we want.
Here’s to asking for it.
And let the chips fall where they may.
If you’re ready to please yourself
and not quite sure how to go about it—
set a call with me.
(Also, if the idea of “pleasing yourself” made you feel resentful and nauseated and yet also thrilled, you REALLY should call me.)