The other day something happened in my personal life that made me feel like sh!t about myself.
As so often happens, the specific circumstances of the situation DID NOT AT ALL indicate that I am a huge loser.
But I have a very old story that I have accomplished nothing, that I am intrinsically defective, that my ideas are worthless.
I have done, and do, a ton of work on these stories I have about myself. I understand on MANY LEVELS that they are untrue.
But these neural pathways persist–maybe they always will–and they pop up when a specific set of familial circumstances occurs.
This time the usual story was disrupted in a new way!
- The circumstance occurred.
- My brain started doing its usual compare and despair thing: “I’ve accomplished nothing in my life, I’m not making any progress” etc etc down the tired old rabbit hole.
- But then, some part of me–let’s call her my Inner Coach–said,
/// “Progress is a capitalist fantasy, you know.” ///
The “I am worthless” juggernaut wanted to keep going.
But a deeper part of my Self said, “Wait, what?”
Inner Coach responded, “Well, we tend to think our life should be one long spiral of upward expansion, growth, PROGRESS. That it’s okay to have little bumps in the road, but that we need to generally be evolving, growing, PROGRESSING, or there’s something wrong.”
Deeper Self said, “Wait, ‘endless growth’--we’ve heard that before! That’s reminiscent of the capitalist fantasy of the endlessly expanding economy! And we know THAT model is total bullshit, it’s destroying the planet and is extremely toxic to all living things, including human beings.”
Inner Coach said, “What else does it remind us of?”
Deeper Self said, “Well, it’s also like the totally erroneous idea that EVOLUTION is something that was working UP to something–that human beings and human minds are some kind of a pinnacle of evolutionary progress. When really, humans are just one species of many. Our capabilities are no better or worse than any other animal’s.”
Then Inner Coach said, “What do you think might be different if you let go of the idea that you need to constantly be MAKING PROGRESS?”
Deeper Self said, “Well, for one thing, instead of sitting here feeling inadequate about myself, I’d be admiring our Christmas tree, enjoying Bake Off on TV, and flirting with my husband.”
Inner Coach said, “What else?”
Deeper Self said, “And then I’d probably be able to make a more appropriate response to the circumstance that triggered this episode, because I wouldn’t be all tangled up in this story that I don’t make progress and I’m a loser.”
Inner coach said, “What else?”
Deeper Self said, “And if I weren’t trying to MAKE PROGRESS all the time, I could probably enjoy my writing, my creativity, my work, as a PLAYFUL EXPERIENCE IN THE MOMENT, rather than a painful boulder I’m required to push up the hill.”
Inner coach said, “Oooh, like Sisyphus! Tell me more about that ‘in the moment’ bit–that seems important.”
Deeper Self said, “The fantasy of endless progress constantly projects our awareness into the FUTURE. Which is fine–dreaming is beautiful–but not when it denigrates or devalues the present.”
“When I’m in the moment, I’m present to receive the messages my animal body is sending me. If I’m constantly chasing the future, I can’t rest and I can’t receive. And as Tricia Hersey teaches us, Rest is Resistance. The more I project my value into some future vision of ‘progress’ the more I am dragged along into a vision that defines my worth by external things like my accomplishments.”
Inner Coach said nothing–I guess she was done for the night.
Beloved Friends,
we’re not worthy because we’re “making progress”.
We’re just worthy.
I have an INNER Coach who reminds me of my worthiness…
…because for some time, I have been investing in EXTERNAL Coaches.
Coaching has literally transformed how my brain works.
So that instead of traveling down the same tired neural pathways, thinking the same tired, self-punishing thoughts, my brain is capable of serving me up new vistas, new horizons, new ways of thinking and being.
My coaches helped me with this, and I can help you!
Book a Discovery Call with me –let’s open some windows in your brain.
Love,
Emma