You know that thing ADHD women do when we have relationship problems?
Ruminating.
Perseverating.
Obsessing.
Blaming yourself.
Replaying it again and again.
Here’s an important rule of thumb, when it comes to navigating relationships as an ADHD woman:
If you’re not an important person in someone’s life, they shouldn’t be an important person in yours.
Let me explain:
Because ADHD is so underdiagnosed and misunderstood, many ADHD women have lived a lifetime of:
- not meeting expectations
- being punished for mistakes beyond our control
- letting people down
- feeling confused about ourselves and our capabilities
One of the many unfortunate repercussions of this is that when there’s a problem in a relationship, ADHD women tend to blame themselves.
(This is actually true of many women, but ADHD women get a double helping.)
When you’re in the habit of thinking that you are consistently the problem in the relationship –
that you aren’t working hard enough,
paying close enough attention,
showing up in the way that “good“ people are supposed to show up in relationships…
…you tend to over-privilege the opinions of random people in your life who don’t actually value you as much as you value them.
I’ve done this SO. MANY. TIMES. In my life! And now, as a middle-aged woman, I’ve developed this principle in relationships:
If I’m not that important to somebody, then I have no business making them important to me.
How do I know I’m important to somebody?
Many ways, but here’s a really important one:
They see me and care about me as I am, warts and all.
Example: I have many fine qualities as a friend and family member and loved one, but I’m never going to be someone who sends Thank You cards or remembers birthdays.
Thank You cards and birthdays are really important to some people. That’s cool, nothing wrong with that! But if that’s really important to someone, I’m probably not a great fit for them.
So, if you’re currently obsessing over a relationship problem, ask yourself:
“Am I important to this person?”
If your answer is no…
I don’t feel like I’m important to this person.
They don’t “get” me.
They are unable to accommodate my full ADHD self.
They expect me to be someone I can’t be.
…then you have no business making them important to YOU!
My friend, ADHD women OFTEN have relationship issues. Romantic relationships, family relationships, even friendships.
If you’d like some help navigating those issues in a way that honors your ADHD nature, coaching can help.
Book a Discovery Call with me and tell me what you’re struggling with. I can’t wait to meet you!
Big Hug,
Emma