“I don’t know why all these people
keep asking me for discounts!“
said my client.
“Okay. Tell me more about the people who ask you for discounts,” I said.
“They’re always women,” she said.
“Oh and they’re frequently quite affluent. The most recent one was a lawyer in
Beverly Hills. And the worst thing was,
she was referred to me by someone else,
a man who charges more than I do!”
A little bit of background on my client:
On a personal level, she has described herself as being “from a very patriarchal culture, and a very patriarchal family.“
Professionally, she is an incredibly skilled body worker. She’s certified at an advanced level as a Rolfer. She has a degree in occupational therapy (which if you don’t know, takes years). Before she was a Rolfer and an OT, she taught yoga and trained yoga teachers for a couple of decades.
She is truly one of the most educated, experienced, naturally gifted, effective hands-on healers I have ever known.
She lives in LA and has treated many celebrities!
And yet this amazingly accomplished woman undercharges for her services, and find it very hard to say no when people ask her for discounts.
“How do you respond when folks ask you for a discount?“ I asked.
“Well, usually I feel embarrassed, like there’s something wrong with my price. Even though you and I have talked about the idea that I undercharge! And then my thoughts start racing about how this person might have financial troubles that I just don’t know about, or maybe they don’t think I’m qualified enough to charge my rate.”
“OK,“ I said. “And then what do you do? What action do you take?“
“Then I end up offering them a discount. Even though I don’t want to!“ I could hear her sigh deeply over the phone.
/// “I guess I’m just too soft hearted.“ ///
“NO,” I said. 
(This client has been with me a long time, and she and I have a lot of trust built up together. So I felt comfortable being frank about the fact that I did not agree.)
“No?“ she asked.
“No,” I said. “I have a hunch about why you keep offering discounts, and it has nothing to do with being soft-hearted. May I share it with you?”
“Yes please!”
“Okay,” I said—
“In your youth, you learned a pattern of
deference. You were trained that not being
deferential was dangerous. That pattern is
woven very deeply into your nervous
system, and into the way that you think, and
into the actions that you take. And part of
why you and I are having this conversation
right now, is that you are starting to outgrow
this pattern. You are learning a NEW pattern. One in which you value yourself and
your own needs. One in which you are able
to advocate for yourself.“
I asked, “is there any way in which this resonates with you? As always, you are very welcome to tell me if I have completely missed the mark!“
She was quiet for a while. Then she said, “That. Is 100% accurate.“
“Okay, what part of it feels true?“ I asked.
She said, “All of it. But the part that really
moves me is the part about how I’m
unlearning it.“
“Yes, you most certainly are,“ I said. “So
what did you end up saying to the lawyer
from Beverly Hills?“
She said, “Well, without even thinking, what
popped out of my mouth was something like:
‘The person who referred you to me charges more than I do. How much are you paying him?’”
“WOW!“ I said. “WOW WOW WOW. What did she say to that?“
My client laughed. “Nothing. She changed the subject, and then booked an appointment with me at my regular rate.“
“You see?“ I said. “You’re learning.“
Dear Reader,
If you wanna stop saying yes when you mean no. If you wanna get paid your full rate. If you want your brain to serve you up good boundaries without even thinking about it. If you want to be AT LEAST as good at taking care of yourself as you are at taking care of others. If you want your life to be built on a foundation of self-love, self-respect, and self-trust.
COACHING CAN HELP
Book a call with me here and let’s talk about it.
PS I asked my client if I could share her story. She not only gave me permission, she URGED me to tell you about it! She said, “people need to know that this kind of change is possible.” I agree!